Alan Return

(Picture by OttonandPooky.)

We emerged on some kind of plaza. Father showed me a multitude of buildings which surrounded it and he named them all. I failed to memorise the names. I hoped that he wouldn't be disappointed when this sad truth came to light. After all, he seemed so excited, those buildings must have been very important.

“Hey Teik!” someone called. There was another Neverhoodian, not really like us, but quite like us. He was waving at us furiously. “Teik, who've you got there? He looks just like you!”
“Hello,” my father said, breaking into a proud smile, “this is my son Alan. Alan, this is another Neverhoodian. There's a bunch of them around here. And would you look at that, there's more coming. I don't know all their names, Quater forbid it's such a bother, but they don't mind so it's cool.”
“Man, I did not understand a single word you've said. English, please,” the other Neverhoodian requested.
“Bah,” father said, pouting.
“Come on, Teik, introduce me to the new guy. Is he your clone or something?”
“My name is Alan Return,” I introduced myself and held out a hand to the Neverhoodian. He shook it vigorously.
“Name's Kandra! Nice to meet you!”
“Nice to meet you, too. Just please, don't call father Nemmen. It's Take.” I turned to father. “Is that right?”
“Whooa,” Kandra's jaw dropped. “You're bilingual, aren't you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Bilingual? It means you can speak two languages.”
“I um… I'm not sure what you're talking about.” I looked to father for help but he was picking his nose.
“Well you've just switched from one language to another, in the middle of a sentence,” Kandra said curiously. He looked at the Neverhoodians who had gathered around us. “You heard it too, right?”
“Yep.” “Yes.” “No doubt about it.”
Nevertheless I was confused. It took Kandra and the others a while to explain to me that there was a lot of languages and, apparently, the one that my father and I spoke was different from “English”, which was a nickname for common tongue. All the while father stood close by, arms folded over his chest, grinning proudly. He seemed fine with the confusing situation, so I was fine with it, too.
“Anyways -” said another Neverhoodian whose name I had, again, forgotten, “where did you come from, Alan?”
“Um.” I turned to father since I didn't know this. This time he granted my silent plea and flung an arm over my shoulders.
“Alan is my son, is where he comes from,” he said in common tongue. His English was even worse than his German.
“Wooow,” the Neverhoodians marvelled as one man.
“Where did you get a son?” Kandra asked.
“Hoborg gave me a life seed,” father boasted. “For me and me alone. So now I got myself a son!”
Another chorus of “wow” echoed. They were utterly awestruck. I cleared my throat.
“Is that something unusual?” I asked. I hoped that I wouldn't make a fool of myself. But I didn't need to be worried. Everyone was immediately head over heels to explain that no Neverhoodian had ever had children, so yes, it was very unusual and it made my father and I special.
“You know what?” a short Neverhoodian snapped his fingers, looking like he'd just had the brightest idea. “I bet that Hoborg gave Nehmen a life seed because he was gonna get married to-”
Like a viper my father's hand shot out and slapped the Hoodian in the face. “Shut up,” he growled, suddenly angry. I was puzzled.
“It's true, though, isn't it?” another Neverhoodian chipped in. “It's because you and Ca-”
Slap! The force of the blow made him stumble. Father's face was red and he was breathing hard. “I said. Shut up,” he snarled through clenched teeth. I wondered what that was all about. It seemed unwise to ask, though.
“What's your problem?” the slapped Neverhoodian growled, but a friend held him back.
“Let it go man. You know better than to mention her in front of him.” The last part was only a whisper, not intended for father to hear. I became curious. I would definitely ask father about “her” later. After all, it was important to my birth, wasn't it? So it was important to me.
“Anyways fellas,” father drawled, slinging an arm around my shoulders once more. Apparently he had conveniently forgotten all about his anger. “We've gotta go. Got a walk to finish! See you later.”
“Ohh, you're giving him the walk? Let us come, too!”
“Nah,” my father dismissed this, “it's a matter between father and son, if you get me. Besides, you'll slow us down.”
“Aw.” They looked at me expectantly, as if hoping I would contradict him.
“It's okay, let's hang out later,” I said with a polite smile. Placated they wished us a nice walk. Later father told me that it was a good move on my part. I noted that simply being polite could get you through many difficult situations.
We visited a number of buildings and rooms, and they all looked different and they all had names. I also met a number of Neverhoodians. On a rare occasion that we were out of everyone's earshot I asked father:
“There is no end to them. Just how big is this world?”
He waved his hand. “Not that big. It's just that everybody's coming here 'cause they wanna see you. Can't blame them, heh, you're quite the stag,” he laughed and tugged at my stem playfully. I chuckled and pulled his stem, too.
“Stop it,” he snapped abruptly. I was startled. Was he mad? Did he dislike having his stem pulled? But he wasn't angry. His mood swings always passed, vanished like vapour. He would get depressed and then become cheerful again. For instance he showed me a very long corridor with writing along the left wall. He ran down its length and jammed his finger into one spot- “This is the first mention...” -but his voice trailed away and a wave of grief overcame him. Then he forbid me from reading that section past “Until something went wrong”. A few minutes later he was fine again.
At that time I didn't have much comparison material (I had just been born, after all) but even so it seemed to me that father had a screw loose. After a short consideration I decided that he could depend on me to help him through the bad times, so that he could smile as often as possible. I would be there for him. It was obvious that he needed someone.
Some time later a messenger found us. He was panting as he delivered the message: Hoborg wanted to see us both. We were to come to the castle at once.
“Who is Hoborg?” I asked the messenger.
“Our king,” the Neverhoodian answered. “He created the Neverhood.”
“Hoborg can wait,” father frowned. “We'll finish the walk first. Then we come to the castle, fine?”
“Okay but be quick,” the messenger said and ran off.
“Is it alright to keep the king waiting?” I asked dubiously. Father waved his hand and grinned.
“It's fine.”
“But he said that we should come at once,” I objected.
Father's eyes narrowed. “One hour old and already talking back?” he hissed. I took a step back. I thought he was going to punch me.
“I'm sorry,” I stuttered, raising my hands appeasingly.
Father only shook his head. “It's fine son. Just trust me. Hoborg made this land to last forever, you know? What's a few hours to him? Nothing at all. Trust me, we could waltz in three days late and he wouldn't be one bit angry.”
Placated I nodded.
“Now I wonder if Krevel is at home.” Father's grin widened. “Let's prank him!” Suddenly he took me by the hand and cavorted toward a red-leaved tree. “These are mulberries!” He picked one of the tree's fruits and tossed it at me. Since I was only a step away I failed to catch it. He tsked. “Gotta work on your reflexes boy. Now watch and repeat after me.” He threw a mulberry into his mouth and chewed. I did the same. He gave me a thumbs up. The mulberry was sweet and crunchy, and it barely fit into my mouth. I almost choked trying to swallow it.
I didn't get why father was cackling before we both burped forcefully.
I put a hand in front of my mouth. “Excuse me,” I said blushing. Father burst out laughing.
“Aren't you cute! Okay, another one!”
I highly doubted this was a good idea but I went along with it anyway. After the third mulberry I was holding my stomach and swearing this was the last mulberry I'd ever eat. Luckily father didn't press the issue.
“Now, on to the prank!” he squealed in delight. He picked a half squished mulberry from the ground and walked over to a rock wall a short distance away. He knocked. “Hello~”
Nobody answered. Father knocked louder, then banged.
“Damn it! Seems like he's not home,” he frowned and kicked the mulberry to slush. He came up to me. “Let's go somewhere else.”
“Who was it?” I asked. I expected to hear about a rock golem, or a rock fairy, seeing that father had called solid rock somebody's home. I did not expect him to tell me that he had two brothers, my uncles, one of which lived in a secret room behind that rock.
“I can't get inside on my own,” father complained. “He's got tonnes of great merchandise in there, you'll see.” He winked at me. I had the feeling that he was up to something. Something presumably mischievous. I decided to keep an eye out.
I must say, as a whole taking the walk was quite overwhelming. Father talked so much. He knew so many games, told so many jokes, it was impossible not to start looking up to him even despite his emotional instability. He was a prototype of a Neverhoodian, as far as my understanding went, intent on spending each of his days partying and hanging out with friends. However, he also carefully explained that he and his brothers were not regular Neverhoodians. They had been created in Quater's mansion at the end of space and time and Hoborg had only taken them in. As result, they didn't have any parents to watch over them.
“That's why the two of us can be the wildest party beasts ever!” father exclaimed and kicked a tree with such force that it snapped in half. He then ran off cackling and it was all I could do to keep up with him.
In the end we didn't meet Krevel (father mumbled something about digging underground) but we did meet father's other brother, Nike. Immediately I saw what father had in mind when he said the three of them weren't Neverhoodians by birth. Nike was taller than anybody I had seen yet, yellow-skinned and he had a hoop on top of his head.
“Nehmen!” he yelled as soon as he spotted us. He marched right up to father and put his hands on his hips. “Where did you get the life seed?” he asked, eyes blazing.
“I uh… have no idea what you're talking about...”
“Don't lie! That's your son next to you – he's a one-day-old if you're giving him the walk – and you deny that you've stolen one of Hoborg's life seeds?”
“Excuse me,” I cut in, feeling my cheeks grow hot, “that's my father you're blaming of theft. Could you please state your reasons for thinking so before you aimlessly accuse him?”
I was afraid that I had overdone it. But Nike did not as much as blink. “Nehmen has stolen more things that everyone in the history of the Neverhood combined,” he said swiftly. “Hoborg is the only one on the Neverhood who has any life seeds. One plus one make two, so explain to me, brother, why did you crawl into the Castle this night and steal one of Hoborg's life seeds?”
“I did not steal it!” father stomped his foot. “It was already mine! Hoborg promised it to me.”
“Hoborg would tell us if he was planning to give you a life seed,” Nike narrowed his eyes.
Father's head drooped. “It was supposed to be a secret,” he muttered. “A…” he cast a glance at me, “a wedding gift.” He sighed and Nike put a hand on his shoulder.
“I'm sorry about the wedding. But creating a son as a substitute for your girlfriend is not the way to go either.”
There was an uneasy feeling in my stomach. “Is this true?” I asked.
Father sensed my insecurity and bristled. “Of course not! You were created to be my pal forever and ever. Don't listen to Nike, he always has these ideas...”
“You just can't handle the truth,” Nike told him.
They argued while I was mulling over the issue. What was the truth? It was obvious that there had been a girl until quite recently in father's life. Now she was gone. And I was created to be his friend forever. It made sense. But the word substitute was so crude! Father was sad, unstable and lonely. He deserved someone to make him happy. If that someone was to be me, I was fine with it.
Suddenly father claimed that he was tired of the argument. He yawned ostentatiously, grabbed my hand and pulled me away. I barely had time to say goodbye to Nike. Once we were safely out of sight in some dark forgotten corner, father slid to the ground with his back to the wall.
“Ugh, he gives me a headache,” he groaned. “You're not getting any funny ideas, are you? You know that most of the stuff he said was made up, right?”
I nodded. “Don't worry.” I sat down next to him. Together we stared at the opposite wall.
“I'm really happy I have you,” father mumbled and yawned again. He scuttled closer to me and laid his head on my shoulder. “I'm gonna take a nap,” he announced. I didn't debate this decision. I was also tired.
I don't know how long we slept but it was enough to make people start looking for us. I was woken by voices calling out our names. I disentangled myself from father (he was sleeping with his arms wrapped around me) and I got up. I peeked out of our hiding place and asked if they could be quiet because father was sleeping.
“He's asleep?” a Neverhoodian repeated with a frown. “He's supposed to be giving you the walk. He's sleeping on the job.”
“I don't think it is a job,” I protested.
“Either way,” the Neverhoodian said. “Hoborg is still waiting for you two. You know, I always had him for a patient guy. But you're really trying his patience by making him wait like that.”
It came to my mind that Hoborg could probably walk, so he didn't have to wait for us at the castle but rather come out and meet us. But I definitely could not say that, even if it happened to be true. “Can you please tell him I'm sorry? Father is rather stubborn about finishing the walk.”
The Neverhoodian grumbled that father didn't seem very keen on finishing right then but he promised to deliver my apology. I retreated back into the dark corner and I woke father up.
“We should round up the walk,” I told him.
He stretched and moaned. “Yeeaah… you're right. Let's go!” He jumped to his feet with renewed energy.
The closer we got to the castle, the more of this energy drained away from him. Finally we stood at the foot of a long bridge fringed with spikes that led to the great building. Father stared forward uneasily.
“There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?” I told him in an attempt to encourage him.
“Sure,” he mumbled gloomily.
Assuming the initiative I took him by the hand and led him through the massive gate. Father trailed behind me as we wandered. I didn't know where Hoborg was and I got lost several times before I stumbled upon the right path. Father didn't even bother to correct my choice of direction. Only when we stood before the throne room did father take a deep breath, push his chest out and put on a defiant expression. He opened the door and he strode in.
“Hey everybody!” he hollered. A chorus of hellos answered. It seemed like everyone we had met up till that point had gathered in the vast throne room. A majestic being rose from the throne in the middle of the hall. It was Hoborg.
“My son. Alan,” he greeted us. “Come before the throne.”
Father did so with such a confident gait that I wouldn't have believed he was reluctant to come here. “Hey Hoborg,” he said. “I heard you wanted to see us?”
“Yes, Nehmen. I wanted to see you.” The king's voice was deep and thunderous. He was angry. “I wanted to see you half a day ago. How do you explain being so late?”
“We had a walk to finish.”
“Yes, that's what your brothers told me. However.” Shivers ran down my spine from that voice. I should have never let father lull me into thinking it was alright to defy authority like this. “There is no reason why you couldn't show Alan around after you came to see me. This was very disrespectful of you, Nehmen. I hope you realise that.”
“Yeah, whatever,” father waved his hand. “We're here now. Don't flip a lid.”
“Moreover,” Hoborg thundered, shifting to sit at the edge of his seat, “you have disrespected me further by taking the seed I have promised you without my consent. I might have given it to you willingly if you asked. But you chose to act selfishly. For this you must be punished.”
Father crossed his arms on his chest. His face seemed to say “bring it on”.
“Everybody,” Hoborg addressed the crowd, “I will need your cooperation. Help me make this a lesson that Nehmen will remember.” He stood up. “From this day on, Nehmen is forbidden from goofing off with everyone else. This prohibition will last for 30 days starting now.”
“What?” father cried out. “You've got to be kidding me! Alan, say something!” he turned to me in desperation.
I looked at my feet in shame. “I think he's right,” I admitted. “It was very disrespectful of us not to come when summoned. It's only fair that we feel the consequences.”
Before father could voice his betrayal, Hoborg spoke: “Don't be mistaken, Alan. The ban does not extend to you. You are a one-day-old and Nehmen's son to boot. You don't have responsibility over his actions. I have received your apology,” he said in a warmer tone, “so I know that this wasn't your idea.”
“Nevertheless,” I said, “I could have convinced father to change his mind. The blame falls on me as it falls on him. I shall not abandon him.” I turned around to see father staring at me with large, hopeful eyes. I could not abandon him.
“Very well,” Hoborg conceded. “I understand. The thirty-day prohibition applies to both of you, then.”
“Is there anything else, king?” I asked.
“For now, yes. I might wish to speak to you later, but you can go now.”
“We will see you later, then,” I bowed and pulled father out of the throne room. Outside I leaned against the wall and wiped cold sweat off my forehead. Formality was always the way to go, but that encounter was scary.
“Alan...” father said, shuffling his feet, “thanks.” He hugged me tight. “You're the best son ever.”
“Thanks dad,” I replied, hugging him back. “I'm sorry we can't be the party beasts you wanted us to be.”
“Meh,” he uttered. “Thirty days is not that long. After that we'll be party beasts for all eternity, hehe.” Content he chuckled.
And this was the way I came into this world.

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