How I Met Your Mutti
Chapter 1
So, I don't really care for dates, right? Dates are for losers. Real men never forget.But there's this one date that I know and that I won't forget as long as I'm alive. The date is 19. 7. 171 and it was the day when Caline was born.
Talk had been going around the Hood for some time about a new sibling. Apparently Hoborg had found a life seed in Bil's wheels or something. Yo good news everyone! You're gonna have a new brother!
And I don't know why, but some folks started asking for a sister. What's so great about having a sister, I told them. And they replied, 'cause there are only guys on the Neverhood! Twenty-five guys including Hoborg and Willie Trombone, and only one girl! That can't be fair, now can it? If Hoborg's got a life seed, well, we want a girl out of it!
So Hoborg was sitting and thinking for days. Who knows what he was thinking, but in the end, he announced that yeah, he would create a sister for us.
I was like, yeah okay, you know, a brother is fine, a sister is fine. Maybe it would be a sister who could speak my tongue or something. So I was looking forward to it, as everyone was.
On the D-day, everybody gathered in the Castle, all ready and fired up: Show us the new girl! Well Hoborg must have been anxious or something, because he actually – listen to this – he actually was not in the Castle! He was somewhere else and we didn't know where, so when we got tired of waiting for him, we started searching all around.
I was on the Great Plains (that's what they call them, the part of the Neverhood where there are all swirly trees and a green stone walk that no one wants to repair), when suddenly – I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the most wonderful being I'd ever seen in my entire Hoodian life – and I never saw a more wonderful being since.
Her skin was the gentlest off-white and her long, graceful fingers were a pleasant brown. On her head were the biggest stems I'd ever seen on anyone – they looked like two beautiful bells hanging over her head. She was wearing a humble brown dress that showed every lovely curve of her perfect, hourglass-shaped body.
I couldn't see her face at first because she was facing away from me. But then she turned around. And I saw her gorgeous red lips and her ravishing brown eyes and I knew. I knew that I was in love.
Chapter 2
“H-hello? Miss?” I couldn't believe I was stuttering. Me! Of all people! Stuttering! Anyway, I made my way over to her and I gave her my best charming smile. “You're new here, aren't you? Don't worry, Nehmen, the hero of the Neverhood, will show you around!”She blushed and I nearly squealed. So cute!
“O-okay,” she agreed. “Thank you, um...”
“Nehmen! My name is Nehmen, my dear miss! Starts with N and the 'e' is veeery long: you say Neeeeehmen.”
She chuckled. “Neeeeehmen,” she repeated. I clapped my hands in delight. She was one of few Hoodians who could pronounce my name right! Maybe she even... but no... but I had to try! I had to give it a shot!
“Wissen Sie, was meine Name heisst?” I asked.
But unfortunately, she only looked confused. “I'm sorry?”
I sighed (internally of course, who would sigh in front of such a beautiful miss) and I waved my hand, assuring her: “It's okay, never mind, forget it. As I was asking, what is your name?”
“I'm Caline,” she introduced herself, making a small bow. I almost couldn't hold myself! She was just so adorable, I wanted to hug her there and then. But – a fine gentleman must control himself. Even if the lady is so gorgeous. So I gave her my arm and I started showing her the Neverhood.
(Picture by OttonandPooky.)
Chapter 3
“This is the red teleporter, sit in it like this and when you press this and this button, you get teleported away. Oh! You're gone! Gotta go in before someone finds you on the other side, hm, my lovely Caline? I'm coming for- Hey everybody, what are you doing here?!”Something like a gazillion brothers were all pushing into each other around the Lake teleporter. They were all staring at Caline. They were practically devouring her with their eyes! I screamed in rage and I lunged out of the yellow teleporter.
“Make space, you idiots!” I yelled, pushing on the bodies around me. Several Hoodians fell off the small platform into the Lake, but I didn't care. My eyes only saw Caline, crowded by my brothers, hugged and petted and... Well, you know!
Finally Caline was standing in the middle of empty space. I snarled at the few who cowered in the corner for good measure. Then I returned to my girl's side.
“Let's continue,” I told her cheerfully.
“Are they alright?” she asked.
“Who?”
“Those guys that fell...”
I waved my hand. I'd already forgotten about them. “They're fine. I fell from this place several times myself, trust me, it doesn't even hurt.”
“Okay...” she said uneasily. She peeked over the edge of the platform.
“Hey watch out!” I took the opportunity to grab her hand, pretending that I was making sure she didn't fall too.
“They seem fine,” Caline smiled. Someone waved at her from the bottom of the lake. Caline waved back, which dismayed me. I tugged at her hand. She turned to me and – good heavens! - she frowned. “You've gotta be more careful, Nehmen,” she scolded me.
I gaped. What had I done wrong? I didn't deserve this. “Well... you know... they... they just weren't careful! That's right, they were standing on the very edge, what did they expect? The place was so crowded, I'm surprised that they all didn't fall!”
Luckily, Caline was already smiling again. “You're a goofball,” she told me. I grinned.
“Anytime. Let's go, I'll show you the Gallery.”
(Picture by OttonandPooky.)
Chapter 4
Usually I don't hang out around the Gallery too much 'cause it's boring, all cold statues, nothing moves and I don't like purple all that much. But hey, the Gallery is a piece of history and I had to show that to Caline, now didn't I?“Here they are,” I spread my hands. “The kings and the pawns. We've got an ongoing debate on who some of them are.”
Wow, listen to me. “Ongoing debate”! Up until now I didn't even know what those words mean! I guess meeting the gal of your life changes you.
“Uh-huh. So who is this?” Caline asked pointing at one of the statues.
“That's Ottoborg,” I told her, mustering all my knowledge on the guy. “He's one of Quater's sons, just like Hoborg, so he's basically our uncle.”
“He looks friendly,” Caline observed.
(Picture by OttonandPooky.)
To those guys who didn't think a man could be jealous of a statue? It's not true. I wanted to smash that smiling creep to pieces.
“Maybe, but he's also really retarded. He let his world fall apart! And you know why? He forgot to add gravity.”
“What's gravity?” Caline asked.
I didn't know that of course, so I distracted her instead. “Ooh, we can go drinking! Come, come, the BOBBY drinks are awesome! We just need to go up the ladder, go down the ring, go into the BOBBY machine and then go to the lab.”
“Wait, slow down, I'm confused,” Caline called behind me as I climbed up the ladder. “Who's Bobby?”
“Bi oh Bibi why, not Bobby,” I told the little dummy. “You just align the crystals and boom – you're small!”
“But I don't want to be small!” Caline objected while I was going down the ring rope.
“You do, you just don't know it yet!” I called upward. “Now watch out, I'm gonna release the rope...”
“Ow!”
“...So don't stand too near or the ring will smack you. Are you alright my dear?”
“Y-yeah, the stupid ring hit my butt and...”
I didn't hear the rest of the sentence. All I could see was Caline's marvellous butt being smacked by the ring. In fast motion, in slow motion, over and over again. I almost didn't notice when she touched down next to me.
“Warn me next time,” she told me, rubbing her backside.
“I tried,” I defended myself. “I can massage your butt if you like...”
“No I'm fine,” she responded quickly. “So now we meet that Bobby?”
“I told you, it's not Bobby, it's the BOBBY machine. See?” I pointed at the feet of the machine, where the letters BOBBY were engraved. “Ladies first. Get inside and push the red button.”
“I'm scared... Is a lot of people going to appear again like last time?”
“No, of course not! I'll be with you before you say “Bi oh Bibi why”, I assured her. Caline gave me a little cute smile and she climbed inside the BOBBY machine.
Chapter 5
You know the feeling when you press a red button and nothing happens? So you press it again, and again and again, and then you're smashing the button with all your might but the thing doesn't work at all, so after a while you get tired of it and try to figure out what the heck is wrong.Since I'm a champ, I figured out what was wrong with the BOBBY machine before Caline did. The thing didn't have any power. See, you can either have the lights on, or you can have BOBBY working. You can't have both at the same time. The lights were on when we got there, so of course BOBBY had no juice.
I went over to the light switch and turned the lights off. Immediately BOBBY began to power up.
We older and experienced Neverhoodians don't mind the horrible noise BOBBY makes when it's shrinking someone. We've heard it like tonnes of times. But uh... Caline hadn't. So...
Yeah, sorry for trailing off, it's just that the memory is... ugh! Aah, no, not unpleasant, it's just that it gives me shivers all over. 'Cause when the lights came out, the crystals lit up and all kinds of noise began jumping around her, Caline freaked out. She leaped out of the BOBBY machine and she stumbled toward me. Before I knew it, she was clinging onto me and hugging me.
And... you know I'd kill you if you understood this but... Caline's really soft. Like really, really soft. It's like hugging a fluffy pillow or something. It's pure happiness.
So imagine me, standing there, my heart racing like crazy, enveloped in that happiness. Oh man, it was the first time we hugged and I didn't even get to hug her back, but it was the greatest thing ever and I still remember it like it was only now that she let me go.
I shook my head. The lights were on again. I must have accidentally pulled the switch, 'cause BOBBY was dying down. And it was... sizzling. Something was burning.
“Damn!” I yelled when I realised that BOBBY was going to blow. I grabbed Caline by the hand and I dragged her up to the Radar. My hands were shaking so much that it took me three tries to turn the radio to the right position. Waves of heat and smoke were coming from the BOBBY room when we ran out of the Radar. Two seconds later, there was a roaring sound as the ground shook. My feet slipped on the muck on the bottom of the Lake and I fell to the ground together with Caline.
Naturally, I was self-possessed enough to climb on top of her and shield her with my body. Fire came rolling out of the Radar. It licked my back and I just hoped that nothing would happen to my girl.
The girl in question was screaming her lungs out with fear. Then she stopped. And there was silence.
“Are... are you okay?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” she answered. I helped her up. “Th-that doesn't normally happen, does it?”
I shook my head. “What the hell was Hoborg thinking when he was creating that thing?” I mumbled, dusting myself off.
“Oh... your back,” Caline said, covering her mouth with her hand.
I looked over my shoulder down my back. My shirt was charred and torn. Couple of places were still smouldering. It looked really badass. I must have also looked badass. It was a great feeling.
I waved my hand. “Eh. It's okay. I do this kind of stuff every day. It's nothing new.”
“But you said that this doesn't normally happen...” Caline objected.
“It's not just explosions,” I corrected her. “I do all kinds of dangerous stuff. Like fighting giant crabs or getting into hammer fights...”
“Hammer fights,” Caline repeated, looking dumbfounded.
“Yep, hammer fights. It's smash or be smashed. Hey, you wanna see a hammer fight?”
She shook her head quickly. “No, I really don't. Can't we do something peaceful for a moment? Please?”
“Yeah, sure,” I agreed nobly. If the young lady wishes it... “Whaddaya wanna do?”
Caline spread out her arms. “I want to get clean,” she said. It wasn't until then that I realised she was covered in mud. Hell, I was covered in mud too. I just had been too busy being the hero to care about some mud.
“Alright...” I thought for a while. “I know! Let's go to the Public Park. There's a fountain where we can get clean.”
“Good,” Caline nodded. “Lead the way.”
Chapter 6
Ah, the Public Park... the nicest place in the entire Neverhood. Some folks say that it was the first place to be created and that Hoborg put extra effort into making it as beautiful as possible. I told this all to Caline as we walked through the Purple Tunnel. You know, it's called the Purple Tunnel but honestly I think it should be named the Black Tunnel. 'Cause you can't see a thing in there. Once the three bolt door closes, you're on your own.Naturally! Caline wasn't on her own. I led her by the hand. I would have preferred leading her by the arm, but she didn't want to 'cause she didn't want any more mud to get stuck on her. I seriously wanted to tell her that it doesn't make a difference since she's already got muck all over, but I managed to hold back. It wasn't a gentlemanly thing to say.
“Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?” I asked in a spooooky voice.
“Yes!” Caline confirmed and quickened her pace. In a few seconds we arrived at the Public Park.
“Isn't it wonderful?” I cried out, throwing my arms out. But Caline just scratched her cheek! When she saw my crestfallen face, she told me:
“I know. I've been here already.”
Like whaaaaat? How could have she “been here already”? I found her at the Great Plains! That's on the other side of the friggin' Neverhood, she had no business being in the Public Park!
“But then,” I stammered, “how did you get to where I found you?”
Caline just shrugged. “Wondering around, I guess.”
“Wondering around? You didn't even know how to use the teleporter!”
Damn, there went my great surprise. They say that being to the Public Park is the most wonderful part of the walk. (You know, the walk? Some parents might give their kids “the talk” when they're big enough. But here on the Neverhood we give folks that are new here “the walk”. That is, we show them everything and tell them how to get around. Giving the walk to someone is somewhat a privilege. And I wasn't gonna give up that privilege to anybody!) Ah, what was I saying? Oh yeah, that the best part of the walk was ruined because apparently Caline had “been there already”. Life just isn't fair.
So anyway. Caline spotted the fountain right away and asked me if I could turn the water on. I hurried toward the red button on the ground and I jumped on it with my whole weight. Water splashed everywhere! Caline was soaked, I was soaked, the few suckers who dared come close to us were soaked. I wiped some sludge off my sleeve in a most nonchalant fashion.
“Oy folks, can't you see we're washing up here? Go on, dry your clothes somewhere else. Give the lady some privacy.”
For the last sentence I received a grateful smile from Caline. The gentleman attitude was working! She was really falling for me! Now all I had to do was not botch it up. Namely, I couldn't let anyone else near her. I glared at everybody until they left.
“Hey Nehmen, would you mind if I washed first?” Caline asked.
“Sure thing, honey bee,” I nodded. “Splash away.”
“Okay, then...” she waved her hand as if shooing me away. I didn't understand at first. But then it dawned on me. She wanted me to leave as well.
But I couldn't do that! Anyone else could take the opportunity to approach her while I was gone and I could not allow that! I had to think fast. I could peep. But I might get discovered. I could shield her from the outside world with my body. But one man isn't really enough to form a wall, you know?
But then I found the solution! “See here,” I said, pushing the button on my chest and opening my chest compartment. “I've got a... water bag here.” I pulled it out of my chest and showed it to Caline. “I can fill it with water... like this... and then you can go to the Aqua House and wash up in there! No one will be able to see you!” And no one will be able to go in because I'll be guarding the door. What a marvellous plan!
“Sounds good,” Caline agreed. “I was kinda nervous about washing myself out here anyway.”
I winked at her. Ho ho ho! Nehmen one, Neverhood zero! I was a genius and nothing could stop me from gaining the love of my life!
While Caline was inside, I took off my clothes outside and washed myself in the fountain. I wondered if there was a way to preserve the badass look of my back. My skin was covered with black soot, which made it look like it was burnt. Of course, I wasn't burnt. Neverhoodian healing abilities are awesome. But it looked really cool, like I'd just escaped a giant dragon or something. But in the end, I decided that washing it away would be better. I didn't want to have Caline worried any longer than necessary.
When I was nearly finished and I was washing my clothes in the fountain pool, a voice came out of the Aqua House. “Um... Nehmen?”
“Yes?” I answered immediately.
“I um... My clothes are all wet. Do you, by any chance, have some spare clothes in your nifty chest compartment?”
“As a matter of fact, I do!” I told her happily. I wouldn't have remembered myself, but I still carried my old clothes around. It was mostly brown and ugly, but I supposed anything would look good on Caline. “Hold on, I'll pass it through the door.”
“Okay, but no peeping. You must close your eyes.”
What can I say, folks. I was so gentlemanly that I really didn't peep. Not even a little. I just walked up to the door and held the clothes out with my eyes screwed shut. Caline yanked them out of my hands and the door slid shut. I had wasted a unique opportunity. But back then it didn't seem like it. You know what I was thinking? Bah! All I could think about was that my old clothes didn't cover the belly entirely. I was gonna see Caline's lovely tummy!
Yeah... I was so naïve. But, you know. Love does that to people.
When Caline walked out of the door, of course I only looked at her tummy. And I wasn't disappointed! Even though she was shorter than me, he short shirt couldn't cover her entire belly. She was so cute when she tried to pull it down!
“It's too short,” she complained. “Don't you have something longer?”
“I'm sorry, honey bee,” I shrugged, putting up a sad expression for her. “It's the only thing I've got. I'm wearing my old clothes, see?” I turned around to prove that the was still a huge hole on my back. My clothes was wet too, but I didn't mind as long as Caline was warmly nestled in my old rugs.
“Oh... Well, at least your back seems to be doing better,” she smiled. I smiled back, feeling great. “Is there somewhere you can get dry clothes? Or dry these?” Caline asked.
I snapped my fingers. “You know? I know just the place. Let's go meet my brother Krevel.”
Chapter 7
My brother Krevel. MAH BROH. He's the best Hoodian around, I tell you. He's nice like nobody else and helpful like nobody else. He lives in a hole in a rock, which is just weird and I tell him that on every opportunity I get, but he's stubborn about it so he still lives there.Not like I have a place to live. I'm far too awesome to be contained in one place forever. I'm the roaming kind of Hoodian. I sleep wherever and whenever and I eat wherever and whenever. Quater, back then it really didn't occur to me that Caline might see that differently!
“He has his own personal room?” the beauty asked with lights sparkling in her eyes – and I wanted to take those lights out and throttle them! She had no business whatsoever swooning over my bro's room.
“You haven't even seen it yet,” I told her. “It's really not that big a deal. It's small and cramped and cold – have I told you how cold Krevel's room is? It's so cold it grows icicles!”
“What are icicles?”
“Frozen water. So, lady, this is the Explosive Shack – hi Katcza – don't even THINK about looking at my girl, got it? Aaand here we've got the Weasel Arena!”
I led Caline to the mulberry tree, where I plucked a mulberry and passed it to her.
She sniffed it. When her face lit up, she was just so adorable. “It smells nice.”
“Eat it,” I encouraged her.
She took a little bite.
“Not like that,” I rolled my eyes. “Mulberries are eaten like this!” I picked a mulberry from the ground and threw it into my mouth. While chewing I gave Caline a thumb-up. She looked at the mulberry suspiciously – and repeated after me.
Her delighted expression was great (I won't even begin to tell you how good mulberries are! Oh!) but I had something even better in mind. A little prank. I waited until she swallowed and I swallowed at the same time.
“BUUURP!”
For a moment Caline was flabbergasted. Then we began laughing like crazy.
“Oh, do it again, do it again!” Caline begged. I obeyed, giving her another mulberry. We chewed and swallowed at the same time.
“BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!”
“Ah hahahhaha!” This time she was laughing so hard that tears were tricking from her eyes. I leaned toward her with a mischievous grin.
“You sure you want to do it again?”
Caline nodded vigorously. “Yeah!”
“Are you super sure?”
“Of course! Why do you ask?”
I barely kept myself from giggling like crazy as I passed Caline a third mulberry. I readied myself. The third one was always a blast.
“Hey look, a burping party!” Someone called out.
“BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...”
It was hilarious how Caline's face changed from excited to uncertain and how she tried to stop! But nothing stops the third burp! That's why they say third time's the burp!
“...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...”
I leaned against the mulberry tree casually, watching Caline with a grin. She was trying to say something. But it sounded more like rolling boulders than actual speech. She was throwing her arms out and pointing to her mouth. I concluded it was time to show her my secret strength.
“UUUUU-it-UUUUUU-won't-UUUUUU-stop-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-not-UUUUU-for-UUUUUUUUU-another-UUUUUU-minute-UUUUUUUUUUUUU-or-UU-so-UUUUU...”
That's right fellas! I can talk while burping! It's one of my awesome abilities which makes me special even among the most special Neverhoodians. I learnt it because I was bored that each third mulberry gives you this super long burp. So while others waited or made funny faces, I learnt to talk through the burps. Pretty awesome, right?
Caline seemed confused, but then she shrugged. I heard a creeking sound behind me and someone said “Are you holding a burping competition again?”
And whaddaya know, it was my supah best bro Krevel.
Chapter 8
I've already said that Krevel lives in a hole in a rock. But I've gotta admit one thing. That place's got the most comfortable bed I've ever lied in. Seriously, the guest beds in the Castle are NOTHING compared to Krevel's mighty comfy bed. Sometimes I go there just to lie in that bed for hours, and I don't need nothing else.So of course. What's the first thing that comes to my mind when I see Krevel peeking out of his hole in the rock? I want to try that bed with Caline.
“Krevel! My best bro forever!” I ran to his side. “How's it hanging? Listen, I've got to introduce someone to you! You're not gonna believe it! I mean you can't even guess it, it's so wonderful that I wouldn't guess it, it came like a lightning out of clear sky – not that I've ever seen a lightning, but you get the point -”
Krevel interrupted me: “Is that Hoborg's new daughter?”
I deflated like a balloon. “How did you know?”
He shrugged and smiled. “Will you introduce me?”
“Ah, sure! I was gonna introduce you, silly, but you were talking so much you wouldn't let me!”
Krevel rolled his eyes and followed me to the mulberry tree, where Caline was standing. That is – I thought he was following me until I turned around and spotted him standing a good distance away.
“D-doesn't he like me?” Caline whispered.
I slapped my forehead. Dumb me! How could I have forgotten! “Don't worry, sugar cube,” I cooed. “It's not that he doesn't like you. He doesn't want to come near the mulberry tree.”
“Why?” she cocked her head.
“Because: if he accidentally ate a mulberry – even the littlest bit – he would DIE.”
Caline covered her mouth with her hand in horror. “For real?! But Hoborg said that we would live forever! He said no one here could ever die!”
“Weell, let's say me and my bros are not your average Neverhoodians. We're special, you know,” I boasted.
In the background Krevel called out: “What's taking so long?” I was going to say sorry and move over to him, when suddenly Caline grabbed my hand.
“Can you...” Oh my Quater, was she on the verge of tears? “...Can you die as well?”
Every protective instinct I had welled up and I buried Caline in a huge, manly embrace. “Nobody's gonna die, sweetie,” I whispered in her ear.
“But – back then – in the Lake,” she almost sobbed, “you could have died back there in the explosion! But – but you chose to protect me instead... I...”
“Ssh, it's okay,” I told her while stroking her head. “We're both fine, right? I was brave and gentlemanly and I protected you in spite of the danger. And Krevel's not gonna die, he knows not to eat his mulberries.”
She sniffed. “Okay.” She looked at me with those huge, sparkling, adoring brown eyes – and I knew. That was the moment. We were going to kiss.
“Oy! Stop seducing her, for Quater's sake, she's only a day old!” my not-so-good-anymore bro Krevel yelled. Caline jerked at those words, blushing, and she pushed me away. I remained standing under the mulberry tree, mouth agape and mind clouded, while Caline hurried over to Krevel's side. She was greeted nicely, they introduced themselves and-
No. No, he didn't. I thought that I must have seen it wrong. There was no way my best bro would have done that.
But he did. My eyes didn't deceive me. That fepgerkin-eater bowed down and kissed my Caline's hand.
At that moment I decided that he wasn't my brother anymore.
But... I still wanted his comfy bed. So I put on my best “It's not a big deal” expression and I walked over to him. I was making two plans. One was to get Krevel out of his room while me and Caline remained inside. The other involved tying Krevel to the mulberry tree and using him a target for mulberry throwing. Soon, very soon, both would come to pass.
Chapter 9
Just so you know, folks, this is the last part of my story. Yah, I guess I could continue it forever. You know, the first time we snuggled, the first time we kissed, the first time we watched Willie's movie together... But a good storyteller knows when he's boring his listeners and I can see so deep down your yawning throats that I can tell what you've had for dinner. So listen close, fellas. The final part of how I met your Mutti.Where was I? Ohh, right, the moment when I started hating Krevel. Yeaah, that was some dark stuff. Good thing I'm not in the hating business with your other father-god or whatever it's called, else you'd see some bad things happening.
So there I was, following Krevel into his room, planning ways to kill him. The jerk was chatting with Caline, explaining that the room was built by Hoborg for him and that he had all kinds of treasures in there and that he would show them to Caline but only if she promised not to touch anything.
“Whoops,” I said, knocking a yellow brick off the table. I hoped that it would shatter but it was more solid than I thought.
“Be careful,” Krevel gave me a sharp look and picked it up again, setting it back on the table.
“I'm always careful,” I grinned at him. As he turned back to Caline, I swatted a particularly brittle looking stone off a shell. This time my guess was correct. It blew up into a thousand pieces when it hit the floor. Caline yelped, startled.
“Oh no, I'm so clumsy,” I darted to her, taking her around the hip.
“Jeez Nehmen,” Krevel called out in dismay. “What's got into you?” He was angry. Good. He always got angry when his stuff was broken.
“Well sorry, you just have a bad influence on me today, is all,” I shrugged carelessly.
“I. Have a bad influence. On you,” Krevel repeated, his eyes narrowing.
“Yeah, you're all over the lady, puh-lease, give her some space,” I waved my hand.
“All over – alright, that's it. Get out, Nehmen. I've been hospitable because you brought Caline, but I can see that was a mistake. You're banned from my room for a good reason. Get out of here,” he hissed.
Did I mention that he forbade me from entering his room some time before that? I guess I didn't. I had completely forgotten about it too.
“But – but Kreveeel,” I moaned. “Don't be a spoil-sport. It was an accident, is all. I meant no harm. Please let us stay.”
“I could see you tip the quartz, for Quater's sake!” he threw out his arms angrily. “Why did you do it?”
“I said I was sorry, alright?” I almost yelled at him.
“You don't look too sorry,” he spat back at me. Oh wow, I got him going. If you ever want to make Krevel angry, boys, go on and break his precious stones. Just so you know. But right then, at that moment, I began to think that I'd overdone it.
“No, seriously, I AM sorry,” I cowered a little. “Truly, really sorry!”
He glared at me. “If you do it one more time, I'll throw you out.”
“Okay, okay, I'll be good,” I said, hoping to placate him. I still hated him. I would have loved a huge argument. Maybe I would have got to break more of his stuff while at it. But Caline was standing right next to us, looking both horrified and confused. I didn't want to show that side of myself in front of her. So I kept quiet. It cost me a lot of energy, but I was gentlemanly enough to control myself. I'm cool like that.
While Krevel was telling my girl more boring stuff, I invited myself to his bed. Its soft mattress creaked under my weight. Krevel gave me a disapproving glance but he didn't tell me off. I guess he was trying to make a good impression as well.
“Hey Caline,” I interrupted the lecture. “Won't you sit with me? The bed's awfully comfortable. You should get some rest, it's been a long day.”
It wasn't even noon, but you get my drift, right?
“I'd love to sit down,” Caline admitted. “But is that alright with you?” she asked Krevel.
The traitor of a brother rolled his eyes a little and smiled. “Go ahead. Nehmen's already sitting on it, so no harm done.”
With a tired sigh, Caline plopped down next to me. “It really is comfortable,” she smiled, wiggling her butt around. The motion had my eyes glued to her rounded bottom. Suddenly I wanted nothing than to be alone with her in this splendid bed.
“Krevel?” I said.
“Yes, Nehmen?” my brother replied.
“If you leave us alone for an hour, I'll give you whatever you ask for,” I offered him. Krevel's eyes narrowed. Then suddenly, they widened.
“You didn't-”
“Yes, I did.”
“You're kidding me.”
“Am not.”
“You gave me your holy word that it wasn't you!”
“Do you want it back or not?”
“Of course I want it back! Return it to me at once, Nehmen Aber Zurückgeben!”
“Ah-ah. I'll tell you where it is after you leave us alone for three hours.”
“You said one hour!”
“Doesn't matter. If you don't sod off right now and leave the two of us alone until the dark, you won't ever see your precious tools again.”
Krevel's mouth hung agape. “You're blackmailing me.”
“It's a trade,” I corrected him. “I'm feeling generous, so I'll promise not to break anything as a bonus.”
Krevel's mouth made a thin line. I knew he wanted those tools. He'd been going on like mad about how precious they were and how stupid he'd been to lose them. It had cost me all my self-control not to give away that I'd taken them. My effort was finally paying off. I was going to get some alone time with Caline.
Krevel looked helpless for a moment. Then he looked at Caline. “Don't you have anything to say, sister?” he tempted her.
“Well,” Caline shifted nervously and stifled a yawn. “I don't know what Nehmen's talking about, but I sure could use some sleep. All the danger and walking about has made me tired. If I could just lay down for a while in your bed, that would be really nice of you.”
Krevel sighed a defeated sigh and I knew I'd won.
“Fine,” he said. “You've got two hours for your nap. Don't even think of taking anything else, you hear me, Nehmen?”
“I hear you loud and clear, brother,” I yawned widely. “Don't you worry.”
Krevel pulled the level above the bed, opening the door to the Weasel Arena. He gave me a long, hard look in the doorway. And then the door shut behind him and we were finally, blissfully alone.
Caline crawled onto the bed. She let out a long, content sigh when she settled down. I reached out to stroke her stem. It was soft and yielding. Caline smiled at me through half-lidded eyes and snuggled deeper into the bed.
She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and I knew deep in my heart that we would be together forever.
I was so stupefied that I just stared at her for what seemed like half an hour. Then I crawled into the bed next to her and did some close-up staring. She was like an angel. My own personal angel.
I don't know how I managed to fall asleep, but I did. And so ends the story of how I met your Mutti. Now go to sleep, else Hypen Nupen will come and eat you!
