The Many Problems of Klogg
Twelve nights and Klogg is still not over the fact that Klaymen has managed to kiss him.They’ve been circling each other for the past three months, ever since Klaymen put the Neverhood crown onto Hoborg’s head and Hoborg exiled Klogg for treason and attempted regicide. Technically there wasn’t anywhere to exile him to, though, so Klogg was simply confined to the solitude of the Pin Island. The teleporter connecting the island to the rest of the Neverhood was disabled; it was only supposed to come live when Klogg was brought food and water. But the king underestimated Klogg’s genius. It took him mere nine days to get the teleporter online and start haunting the Neverhood below. His prime objective was, of course, the crown. But unfortunately stealing it was much harder than it used to be. The whole Neverhood was swarming with people, all the puzzle solutions had been changed and Hoborg was never alone. It didn’t take Klogg long to realise he’d need a different strategy. He needed… an ally.
He timed his appearance in front of Klaymen so that he’d leap before him as unexpectedly as a jack-in-the-box. To Klogg’s satisfaction the hero of the Neverhood startled and leaped back. He didn’t call for help, though. Just as planned.
“It’s not too late, you know,” Klogg said in a conspirational tone and cracked a charming smile. “We can still rule the Neverhood together.”
Klaymen just crossed his arms angrily and glared at Klogg.
“I know, I know,” Klogg said. “You’re Hoborg’s boy now. The hero of the Neverhood. I can hear our siblings venerate you all the way up there.” He rolled his eyes.
Klaymen’s eyes flicked to the Pin Island hovering in the sky, then back to Klogg. “How did you get down here?” he asked.
“I have my ways,” Klogg smirked. “Now, consider! You can easily take Hoborg’s crown while he’s asleep. No one will know a thing. In the morning they’ll wake up and they’ll have two kings.”
Klaymen cocked his head to the side curiously. “This again?” he said. “I already said no, Klogg. Now begone before I tell Hoborg you’ve found a way to escape.”
“Ohh?” Klogg said and grinned. “You mean you won’t tell him about it otherwise?”
Klaymen put his hands on his hips. “Go,” he said.
Klogg cackled quietly and left before someone found out he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. So… Klaymen thought he could deal with Klogg alone. Perfect. Just as planned.
They have been playing a sort of tag ever since. Klogg’s objective is to find Klaymen alone and sweet-talk him into stealing the Neverhood crown for him. Klaymen’s objective is to resist. Klogg knows he will sway him eventually. Klaymen makes it difficult, of course. He hides in crowds and always keeps the idiot Trombone by his side. But Klogg is resourceful and he creates distractions at his leisure. He puts poisonous bugs into Trombone’s beetle farm, causing him to retch and run to the nearest bathroom in the middle of a meal. He hides Ottoborg’s portrait until Trombone is searching the whole Neverhood for it so frantically that Klaymen can’t keep up. He plants booby traps around Klaymen’s favourite places so that Hoodians believe they’re haunted and stop visiting them. The best part is that Hoborg has no idea. His children tell him Klogg is lurking in the shadows but Hoborg placates them: Klogg is safely exiled to the Pin Island; there is no way he can hurt them.
Old fool…
The Big Heart is no challenge to Klogg. He couldn’t sentence him to death then, he can’t bring him to justice now. Klaymen, in comparison, is much more fun to play with. When Klogg catches him (and he’s getting better at it), his younger brother always sighs and looks annoyed. But then he listens to the speech Klogg has prepared with a pensive expression and Klogg can tell he’s genuinely interested in what he has to say. Sometimes he asks questions which Klogg is delighted to answer. Why did he take Hoborg’s crown? Because he deserved to rule the Neverhood. How did he split the island in half? With a laser beam. Did he really build the Clockwork Beast? Oh yes, he did. Klaymen nods as he listens and Klogg revels in knowing that at this rate he will entice the hero of the Neverhood in no time. And as soon as he has the crown, nothing will be able to stop him.
Everything was going so well… but then Klaymen had to complicate everything with kissing him! It has been twelve nights since then and Klogg still hasn’t got over it. It was so innocent; Klaymen just leaned over and pecked Klogg on the lips while he was talking. It made Klogg’s train of thought crash miserably. He wasn’t able to pick his speech up again so he had to escape prematurely, cursing Klaymen’s capriciousness. Why did he do it? To send some pitiful message along the lines of “make love, not war”? To throw him off his track? Was Klaymen trolling him? It was so unexpected!
One thing is for certain: Klogg won’t leave it at that. He’s had enough time to decide on the appropriate reaction and he knows what to do. Tonight he is determined to catch Klaymen as he goes to sleep and to settle accounts. Whatever power game Klaymen is playing, Klogg will not be humbled by it.
He grabs a flash light and teleports under Hammerboy’s house, to the least observed teleporter. Every trip to the Neverhood below bears the risk of being discovered, but risk is something Klogg enjoys. It wouldn’t be fun without a little danger. As silent as a ghost he creeps through the darkening Neverhood, making his way to where he has last seen Klaymen – the North Plane. He nearly runs into a pair of chattering Hoodians and he’s forced to wait in the Mush Room’s shadow until they finally stop blathering about weasel meat and go to sleep. He grits his teeth as he imagines clobbering them with his flash light. As a result he arrives late. He finds Klaymen already asleep in the corner of the North Plane. Trombone’s curled at his side; his hoop is squished against Klaymen’s cheek and he’s drooling on his shoulder. Klogg utters a sound of disgust and tiptoes around Klaymen. Then, out of the blue, he wraps his claws around his brother’s mouth.
Klaymen sucks in air as he comes awake. His eyes search the darkness; then they find Klogg and he relaxes again. Without being told to, he gently shrugs Trombone off.
“I’ve got to do something. Sleep,” he whispers into the hoophead’s ear. Trombone murmurs something that could be “be back soon” just as likely as “we’re kazoo”, sprawls out and starts snoring. Klaymen straightens. “What do you want?” he asks Klogg in a low voice.
Klogg makes an irritated grunt and motions Klaymen to come with him. He leads him to the Coded Door and punches in a series of symbols. His moods drops even further when the door doesn’t open. He tries again.
“You’ve got the code wrong,” Klaymen whispers. “Here, let me.” He pushes Klogg aside and punches in the correct code. The door opens. Klogg is almost frothing but he bites it back and enters the room beyond. At least the red put-put car is parked at the end of its track, just as planned. Klogg climbs into it and ducks on the left side of the large leather seat.
“What are you waiting for?” he growls when Klaymen doesn’t follow. “Get in. Drive.”
Klaymen gets into the put-put car and kicks it into gear. The engine comes alive with loud put-put noise which bounces off the walls into the night silence. Klaymen makes a long face.
“Do we have to?” he asks.
“Shut up and drive,” Klogg snaps. To his delight Klaymen just sighs and obeys. He drives the car along its track, pushing on bravely as one Hoodian after another shouts at him to be quiet. “Sorry!” he calls out, raising his voice above the clucking engine. One Hoodian actually gets up to scold whoever is breaking the curfew. When he sees it’s Klaymen in the seat, he starts stuttering and apologises instead. Klogg giggles into the leather seat. Soon, very soon, Klaymen will be all his…
When he hears the wind howling around them, he straightens. Indeed, they are at the edge of the Neverhood, just before the red car track ends in the Weasel Arena. To their left is a monolithic brown wall. To their right, above and below them is infinite darkness. “Stop here,” Klogg orders. He brandishes his flash light and turns it on. In its bright white light he can see Klaymen peering over the edge of the put-put car nervously. He cackles. “Are you scared, little brother?”
Klaymen sighs and looks at him. “What do you want, Klogg?” he says. Even though the flash light is pointing directly into his eyes, he doesn’t flinch or turn away. He just squints at Klogg tiredly.
“I want to get even with you,” Klogg hisses. Suddenly he’s a bit nervous, too. Maybe it’s the infinite darkness around them, even though he’s sandwiched safely between the wall and Klaymen (just as planned). He tells himself not to be a pussy. He puts the flash light on the car bonnet, grabs Klaymen by the collar and plants a kiss on his lips. “There,” he says with satisfaction. He lets Klaymen go and crosses his arms, deliberating how to start today’s “turn evil with me” speech.
Klaymen chuckles next to him. Klogg catches sight of his wide smile just before he leans over and kisses Klogg again. Klogg sputters and withdraws but the deed is done, Klaymen’s looking at him with this dumb smile and hell Klogg knows a challenge when he sees one, so he leans forward and returns the kiss back where it belongs. His overgrown teeth get in the way; Klaymen doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around Klogg, cups the back of his head and deepens the kiss. Klogg’s mind briefly goes out of order before he gets a hold of himself and pushes Klaymen away, spitting and making retching noises.
“What the hell are you doing?” he yaps at Klaymen.
“What are you doing?” Klaymen says, noticeably less upset.
“I’m settling accounts! You don’t get to kiss me unless I kiss you back.”
Klaymen shrugs. “Whatever works for you,” he says hungrily and pulls Klogg in for another kiss.
Klogg fights him. He fights him all the way. When Klaymen runs his hand over Klogg’s chest, Klogg does the same to Klaymen. When Klaymen wraps his arm around Klogg’s waist and pulls him closer, Klogg squeezes him as hard as he can. He can’t let him win. He can’t let him get the upper hand. Anything Klaymen can do, Klogg can do better, he’s the firstborn after all and he’s righteous and true and Klaymen is…
Klogg breaks away abruptly. He scurries back in near-panic, bumping the flash light with his elbow and knocking it off the put-put car. It sends off one last glare of blinding light before it plummets into the infinite darkness below and Klogg is seized by vertigo. He grabs onto the edge of the car and gasps.
The moment passes. All that remains is the darkness and Klaymen’s concerned voice:
“Are you okay?”
And Klogg is so done. “What game are you playing, Klaymen?” he exclaims. “Why are you being so fucking friendly to me? Are you hoping you’ll turn me? Are you hoping that I’ll change for you? Fool! I’ll never…”
The wind howls as Klogg bows his head and swallows his words. Nobody will see him betray his moment of weakness. Nobody.
There’s a click as Klaymen opens his chest compartment. He rummages inside and takes something out. A scrape, a sizzle and a little flame springs in the darkness. Klaymen lights a tall candle with it and sticks it between his thighs. The wind nearly blows it out; Klaymen cups it with his hand. He looks up at Klogg.
“Even so,” he says as the warm light dances over his body. “I want you on my side.”
“I will never be on your side,” Klogg says flatly.
Klaymen pauses. Finally he speaks. “Then be by my side,” he says and smiles.
Klogg finds he has no answer to that.
Klaymen searches his face for a moment. “I’m sorry for rushing it,” he says, caring, almost remorseful. “There is no hurry. We are going to live here forever. We can pace ourselves.”
Klogg finds his voice at that. “Are you saying you’ll be mine eventually?” he asks. Slowly a grin finds its way back to his face. Yes. He has time. Klaymen is going to continue playing this game with him. He won’t leave. He won’t vouch that Klogg is thrown off the Neverhood. He will stay by his side. And some day, one day, surely he will dump Hoborg and Trombone alike and he will defect to Klogg’s side. Together they will be unstoppable.
Klaymen just chuckles and takes Klogg’s hand. Warmth emanates from the point of contact. For the first time in twelve nights, Klogg is content. He squeezes Klaymen’s hand; he can’t let him win at anything, after all, not even hand holding.
Now that he thinks of it, he really should have kissed him first, too.
