Donatello's thoughts
Of course I’ve had the idea of being with April. I mean, I’d be laughable if I didn’t. I look up to her skills, her intelligence, she’s pretty too, we did grow up watching humans on the TV after all and I know what a pretty girl looks like and she looks like it, and she’s always so nice to us, she never turns away for what we are. She’s all I could ever wish for.
I know.
She’s beautiful. April’s beautiful. I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s true, anyone could notice it.
So they did.
I was working up the courage to approach her, I wanted to take the chance, I really did. I just wasn’t fast enough.
It was quite obvious to me. April and Casey fought a lot but having my attention sharpened like that, I noticed extra things, like that they would look at each other a bit longer, watch when they thought the other one wasn’t watching, hug each other when they forgot that they were supposed to fight.
I don’t think I have what it takes to confront April the way she is now. I wanted the best for her and so I let her go her own way, thinking she knew the best what was good for her and that she was strong enough to follow it.
I was right.
I love being right. But sometimes, that’s its only advantage. Depends on the case usually.
April’s happy now. She and the nutcase Casey, they make a good couple, they fit each other, they’re happy together. I’m glad to see that.
The way he holds her close to his big chest. The fiersome way she lets her feelings show, sometimes.
I don’t have that, I think, and so this is the best for April.
When the idea of regretting it occured to me, I actually couldn’t bring myself to. I mean, who cares? April is happy, Casey is happy. Nothing more is needed.
My brothers have told me to pay more attention to what I need, too. I don’t really understand what they meant. I get that they want what’s best for me but they are far more important to me than myself, so I don’t see just why I should put my well-being in front of theirs. And April’s, too. And anyone’s, too.
April is so good to us.
Us.
I… I think I’ve taken my family for granted. I always thought that it’s working out well, so I can draw back into my mind and come up with fascinating things for them that Leo would turn into weapons of our survival. I thought it was right that way and it would never change.
It changed, alright. Suddenly, a part of me twisted into a new painful shape. Alarmed, not to draw anyone’s attention, I came to see what was wrong.
I figured I was developing the strangest feelings for Leonardo. I panicked a bit at that point. I still panic over it every time I think about it rationally. There’s this twinge of pain, of guilt in my gut, and I want to cry and conceal it and not bother others with it. It’s not important.
My brothers have told me that it is important. I see that it might be important to them but not to me. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t care what happens to me as long as everyone is safe.
So that I wouldn’t be the last one standing.
'Cause it has happened once and I damn don’t want to go through it again.
I’d spill on the floor if it did. So, see, I can’t put myself first, that just wouldn’t work with me. With them. With anything.
Personally, I intended to squish my feelings for Leo the same way I had done to those for April, let them dry out indifferently. April's had wilted and worn away. I’m kind of glad to be rid of them, they’d only get in the way. They got in the way.
April, I wish you happiness. You guys, too.
Leo’s told me that he wishes for mine. That might be true, honestly. I’m sure they care for me as much as I care for them. Sometimes, they say I care for them too much.
This thing that I had… still have with Leo, it drove me nuts at first. It was so new to me, that I could behave this way, begin wanting more than what I deserved. It wasn’t right. And I couldn’t stop it.
It started out mildly. I don’t know when exactly. Maybe I would have understood the nature of it sooner if I hadn’t tended to forget my dreams the moment I woke up. So when I looked at my brother and couldn’t look away, I just thought “What the shell” and let it go. The night I understood… damn, I don’t even feel like reproducing that, it just freaked me out so much. I had to start avoiding Leo because I couldn’t keep the pounding out of my head, “I want him, I want him, I want him”...
And, oh, of course he noticed! He thought I was telling him something when actually I was trying so hard not to tell him anything at all! It was so ironic and so tempting to just let go...
But I ruled over myself for the first time and I didn’t. Thank God he didn’t question me any further, because I don’t think I could take that. I would have broken under his gaze. He even gave me time to sort it out before going out again. I took this chance – I won over myself once, I could do it again. I could break the madness apart and fix it.
I wanted to free myself of my body and take myself as a specimen, but I was trapt. I realised I wasn’t able to separate my thinking from my emotions while thinking rationally. So I tried for countless hours in night meditation.
I think I burned the most of candles I’ve burnt in my whole life in that period.
Every night, I thrust myself into solving this problem. Why was I thinking it? Were there any clues? Was it the same that I felt towards April, what I used to feel? Was it lust that had been accumulating in my body and needed to be vent out? Was it something else?
Whatever it was, it startled me as wrong, wrong, wrong. It shouldn’t have been that way, I was sure. It still was, and it took so long...
...so long to accept it. So long to understand that it wasn’t a mistake. So long to figure out that it had to come eventually, it had to come after my hopes for April died.
The feelings for her were an infatuation generated from the lack of females to be with. When she became unaccessible, the only solution to relieve the pressure were the only members of my species. My brothers.
That it was Leo didn’t surprise me so much as why my instincts changed their mind so suddenly. But after so long, I felt like I could breathe again. It wasn’t a mistake. The new shape shifted in me wasn’t wrong. It was natural, and it would have come one day whatever I did. It felt so reassuring.
But it also felt awfully lonely.
With time, everyone learnt that I was never going to answer, and they stopped questioning me. Everything went quiet, just the way I wanted it to be.
And then, the night I found myself pressing against Leo, the feeling was like a roar of waterfall to my ears.