Cat
“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!”
Donatello patted Michelangelo’s shoulder, his eyes the size of a plate. “Tell me if I’m seeing what I’m seeing,” he asked him.
“You seeing my Leo swaying his hips and singing seductively?” Michelangelo said, not raising his eyes from the show.
“Yes,” Donatello confirmed, blinking rapidly.
“Then you’re seeing it,” Michelangelo beamed. “He’s so sweet, isn’t he?”
“Y-yeah, sweet,” Donatello stuttered. “Raph and me will be… away. See you.”
Michelangelo hummed in consent, not really paying attention. He loved the way Leo’s forest green body moved, the way it swung and posed seemingly without effort. He must have been preparing this dance number for days. Suddenly Michelangelo realised why his long lost MP3 player had mysteriously been found in the dojo the day before.
“I’m too sexy for my cat!”
As if he had heard, Klunk strutted over and began nuzzling Michelangelo’s calf in a demand to be held and scratched. Mikey lifted him from the ground.
“Leo thinks he’s too sexy for you.”
“Meow,” Klunk replied and started purring.
“Yeah, he thinks he’s too sexy for me too, but…”
“Meooow.”
“No, I’m not going to leave him. Why would I?”
“Meoww.”
“Oh. Okay Klunk, I’ve got an idea. If he thinks he’s too sexy for the two of us, let’s…”
“…And I’m too sexy for this song.” The music stopped and Leonardo looked at Mikey expectantly. “So? Did you like it?”
Michelangelo glanced at Klunk. Klunk glanced back at him. Michelangelo put the cat on the ground. Klunk jumped at Leo and with his front paws, he hugged his leg.
“I loved it Leo!” Klunk cried out happily. His voice was raspy and tinged with purring, but it definitely formed words.
Leonardo’s jaw dropped open.
Michelangelo came down to all four, responding to Leo’s gawking with a disinterested mew. He turned his back (or more like butt) to him and went to inspect the cat bowl.
Dumbfounded, Leonardo picked Klunk up from the ground and watched him snuggle to his chest in a distinctly Mikey-like manner. “What the shell?” he mouthed and followed Michelangelo.
Mikey arrived at the bowl to find it empty. Dissatisfied, he turned to Klunk and yowled.
“You want some food, Mikey?” the cat asked, leaping from his sanctuary in Leonardo’s arms. He landed elegantly on two feet and walked to the kitchen. Michelangelo and Leonardo followed him.
“Mikey,” Leo hissed at his brother. “What’s going on?”
Michelangelo ignored him in favour of watching Klunk open the cupboard where cat food was stored. He licked his lips hungrily and swished his tail. Leonardo gulped, the sight evoking inappropriate images in his head.
“There we go Mikey,” Klunk said in a sing-song tone, carrying a carton of cat food to the bowl. Michelangelo miaowed impatiently and blocked Klunk’s path. “Hold on kitty cat, I don’t wanna trip over you,” Klunk mumbled, ducking and walking below Mikey’s stomach rather than stepping over him.
As soon as the bowl was filled, Michelangelo started eating. Leonardo decided the insanity level of his other half shell had risen too high. He squatted next to Mikey and shook his shoulders.
“What are you doing?” he asked forcefully.
Michelangelo glared at him. “Meow,” he said indignantly, trying to wiggle free of Leonardo’s grasp.
“Stop it Mikey,” Leo ordered and was ignored. “I said stop it!” He turned Michelangelo to face him and kissed him.
Mikey turned his head away in disgust. Leo pulled away, completely at a loss.
“Hey, I didn’t know you love Mikey so much you’d kiss him,” Klunk rasped in delight. “But I’m still first, right?” he nuzzled Leo’s arm.
“I think I’m dreaming,” Leonardo said dazedly.
“Hey, if this is a dream, I want candy to appear!” Klunk shut his eyes tightly and hummed loudly. Opening them a crack he asked: “Did it work?”
“Did what work?”
“Lucid dreaming. If this is a dream and I wish for candy hard enough, it will appear!” Klunk said joyously.
“Uh-huh. Then I wish to wake up,” Leonardo replied, shutting his eyes and concentrating all his mental energy to connect with his sleeping body.
“Aw, it’s not working,” he heard Klunk say. “Man, candy reminds me I’m hungry! I’ll go warm up some pizza, okay? Come when you’re ready, it doesn’t taste that good without you.”
Ten minutes and a failed waking later, Leonardo walked into the kitchen, utterly confused. As far as he could tell, everything was normal. Aside from that talking Klunk thing. There was no difference between this and reality.
The cat had just taken a freshly baked pizza out of the oven. He grinned at Leo (which honestly scared him a little) and set the pizza on the table.
“Can you grab two plates for us?”
In an attempt to clear his head, Leonardo shook it and stared at Klunk, trying to discern the aura of a robot. The cat huffed.
“Fine, I’ll do it myself.”
“No, I’ll do it,” Leonardo said quickly, alarmed by the mental image of their cat carrying (and breaking) two of their precious plates. He opened the cupboard, ignoring Klunk’s thanks, and took out two plates.
“Alright,” Klunk smiled, picking up a knife. Briskly, Leo set the plates on the table and snatched it out of his paw.
“It’s fine, I’ll cut it,” he forced a smile and cut the pizza to slices.
“Thank you!” Klunk jumped up on the table, walked closer to Leo and pressed his toothy mouth to the turtle’s cheek. Realising he was being kissed, Leonardo jerked away.
“I-itadakimasu,” he stuttered, passing Klunk a slice of pizza.
“Ita whatever,” Klunk said, taking it in his paws and biting. “Watch out, it’s hot,” he warned Leo, gulping the slice down in record time. This was one of Michelangelo’s trademark features – he could eat pizza no matter how hot it was. Leonardo eyed the tomcat. He was impersonating his dear brother perfectly. But how?
“You’re making me blush,” Klunk murmured.
“Sorry,” Leonardo said quickly, looking away. His gaze was caught at the kitchen door. Mikey was pushing it open with his head. Leo watched as he entered the room, eyed their pizza with mild interest and jumped up nimbly onto Klunk’s favourite lookout spot – top of the fridge.
Struck by an idea, Leonardo grabbed a slice of pizza and walked up to Michelangelo. He waved it in front of Mikey’s snout, watching closely for cracks in composure. If Michelangelo was somehow feigning this, there was no way he’d resist a bite of pizza.
Mikey sniffed at the pizza as a cat would. He hesitated, tilting his head. He took a bite and his eyes lit up.
Halfway through his triumph of making Mikey a mutant turtle again, Leonardo noticed the pizza had cat food on it. He sighed and fed Michelangelo the rest of the slice.
“Hey Leo, what are you doing?” Klunk asked with a hint of disagreement in his voice. “I’m glad to see you two getting along, but Mikey’s already had his supper. If you feed him more, he’ll get fat.”
“I won’t feed him anymore,” Leonardo promised, going back to the table and sitting down.
“Have a slice too, else I’ll eat it all,” Klunk offered.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry.”
“Okay,” Klunk shrugged, munching down another slice. Leonardo used the short time to think.
“You know,” Klunk said, mouth full of pizza, “earlier you sang that,” he swallowed, “you were so sexy your love would leave you. Was that about me?”
Leonardo perked up. “I’m too sexy for my cat,” he repeated another verse.
“That too,” Klunk nodded. “We can take you being sexy, you know?”
Leonardo wasn’t listening to him. “Sexy for my cat,” he whispered. Tuning Klunk’s jabbering out much like he did with Mikey’s, he got up and stared at Michelangelo. Slowly, he dropped down to all four.
“…Just ‘cause we don’t know what breed he is, doesn’t mean he can’t take your sexiness, isn’t that right, Mikey?…”
Leo crawled closer to the fridge, maintaining eye contact with Michelangelo. Doing his best to impersonate a cat wanting to be stroked, he leaned on the kitchen appliance with his hands and straightened a bit.
“Meow?” he tried.
“Meow,” Michelangelo answered, vivid interest in his eyes. He leapt down from the fridge and began circling Leonardo.
“Meoww,” Leo mewed longingly.
“Mmmeow,” Michelangelo replied, inching closer.
“Meow?”
“Meow!”
They were so close their snouts almost touched. Mikey’s eyes widened.
Leonardo sprang forward, capturing Michelangelo beneath him. A startled yelp was cut short when Leo’s mouth melted into Mikey’s.
“Mmm…” Michelangelo hummed and embraced him. Leo raided his brother’s mouth, channelling all of his confusion and disbelief into a searing kiss that left Michelangelo gasping.
“Am I too sexy for my cat now?” he asked in a cocky tone.
“Shell yeah, you are,” Michelangelo groaned, bucking his hips to meet Leonardo’s. “Just – just don’t try this with Klunk, okay?”
“Why would I? He’s a turtle. I’m a cat. Meow,” Leo said with a charming smile.
“Meow meow,” Mikey said in a breathless voice, “my bed, now.”
“Why bother going to a bed?” Leonardo licked Mikey’s fast beating pulse.
“Meoooww,” his brother moaned.